There are disadvantages to being registered with the local chamber of commerce as a \u201cgraphic studio\u201d. (This, by the way, was the closest acceptable definition that could be found to put in the registration, thus I am a graphic studio with one employee\u2026 me.)
\nUsually the result is salespeople trying to give me a good deal on 1,000,000 sheets of quality photocopy paper or sell me boxes of 150 cartridges for my printer, but the other day when the phone rang\u2026
\n\u201cUrfghrp.\u201d I said. (This is actually a great substitute for the run-of-the-mill \u201chello\u201d, as, depending who\u2019s on the line, it can mean many things:
\n\u201cOf course I sound deathly ill, so that picture is gonna be late.\u201d (My agent.)
\n\u201cOf course I sound deathly ill, that\u2019s why I forgot the appointment.\u201d (Clients I\u2019m trying to avoid.)
\n\u201cOf course you got me up, what time do you think it is.\u201d (Friends and family.)
\nNotwithstanding, a cheerful encyclopedia saleman\u2019s voice asked to speak to the director.
\n\u201cHold on a second,\u201d I said, \u201cI\u2019ll see if he\u2019s in yet.\u201d and put the phone down and went and got some coffee.
\nWhen I got back, he was still on the line. Damn.
\n\u201cMr. Howe, Mr. John Howe?\u201d
\n\u201cSpeaking.\u201d I replied.
\n\u201cSir, I represent a firm dealing in optimizing business success the world over.\u201d
\n\u201c-.\u201d
\n\u201cExcuse me sir there seems to be a problem with the line.\u201d
\n\u201cUrfghrp?\u201d I replied.
\n\u201cUh, do you speak English?\u201d
\n\u201cUrfghrp!\u201d
\n\u201cWell sir, I represent a wide palette of clients the world over who are seeking to acquire small businesses in expanding sectors of the economy and several of those clients are interested in investing in your enterprise.\u201d
\nThis guy is phoning from another planet, I thought. Should I tell him I\u2019m actually a superhero at night and this mild-mannered illustrator stuff is just a front? Nah, he\u2019d never believe me, besides this is too good to be true, let\u2019s see if it\u2019ll last as long as my coffee.
\nI learned that I am part of \u201can exciting dynamic graphics industry with possibilities for international expansion\u201d (so-o cool, thought I, I\u2019ve never felt so expansive) that \u201cbeing part of a large group would not only reinforce my local contacts\u201d (the local bakery perhaps? the place I buy the newspaper? the pet shop for the fish food?) but \u201cestablish a network of international contacts\u201d and that \u201cThis could be a rare opportunity for you sir.\u201d
\nAt this point I started choking on my coffee and just managed to say thanks-very-much-I\u2019ll-think-about-it-and-call-you-back and hung up.
\nLife\u2019s like that.
\nA series of missed opportunities.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAKING FRIENDS<\/p>\n
eBay is the perfect place to make new acquaintances. Here\u2019s a recent exchange between myself and the seller of some prints of my work of dubious origin in the US. It started with a Question for the seller. (I swear I did NOT make this up, just changed her name to X.)<\/p>\n
JH:
\nHi,
\nCan I ask you where the prints are from, as well as the formats?
\nThank you,
\nJ<\/p>\n
X:
\nHello,
\nI have reviewed your feedback and kindly request that you do not bid
\non this item.
\nThank you<\/p>\n
JH:
\nThat\u2019s fine, but you\u2019ve not really answered my question.
\nYou leave me with no choice by to report the sale of unauthorized images
\nto eBay.
\nYou may remove them now, or have them removed.
\nThanks.
\nJ<\/p>\n
X:
\nIn addition to being french, you are an impostor and a fraud.
\nFurther emails from you will be considered harassment and reported to the authorities in your socialist country as well as ebay\u2026.
\nJust surrender\u2026it\u2019s what you\u2019re good at\u2026.<\/p>\n
JH: Curiously, I\u2019m still awaiting a reply. What a shame, just when we were getting to know each other\u2026 While it\u2019s all very nice being chatted up by a businessman from another planet or making new friends on eBay, I did have more pressing matters on hand, notably the infamous pastiche<\/a> of my Robin Hobb cover. BLA-BLA<\/p>\n You just can\u2019t shut some illustrators up, and I\u2019m no exception.
\nDear X,
\nPlease check out [url=http:\/\/www.john-howe.com]http:\/\/www.john-howe.com<\/a>[\/url]
\nI live in Switzerland, and have for some years.
\nI am Canadian, speak French as my second language, am not an impostor and certainly not a fraud.
\nI am, on the other hand, rather surprised by your reaction.
\nI don\u2019t recognize the prints you have for sale, hence my enquiry and my doubts about their authenticity.
\nI would appreciate it if you would indicate the formats, and where they might be from.
\nSincerely,
\nJohn<\/p>\n
\nHOBBLED<\/p>\n
\nFirst step, contact the editor. This will be a cinch, think I, undoubtedly a respectable Parisian editor like that will have a web site. True, but no telephone. Nor does their \u201ccontact us\u201d interface function, the send box is inexplicably inert. (Well, they have no phones, so it stands to reason, non?)
\nNaturally I am determined to get to the bottom of this, I did blow 38 francs (trade paperbacks in this part of the world cost a fortune) on my incriminating evidence, so I want my money\u2019s worth.
\nNext step: international directories. I get a number, but the editorial group is huge, so it takes a few calls to find the appropriate people. After the laborious process of explaining, I am finally put on the line to a pleasant enough gentleman who replies: \u201cWe received that cover from the English editor.\u201d\u00a0 I explain that I do not think so, jot down an e-mail address, and post the cover.
\nI get a phone call in return, but not a great deal of satisfaction. Indeed the cover was copied, (\u201cYour name wasn\u2019t on the paperback we had.\u201d What kind of sense does THAT make?) no it\u2019s not standard procedure, yes we were wrong to do so and we won\u2019t do it again.
\nGreat.
\nThat\u2019s a relief.
\nUndoubtedly someone else will though\u2026
\nI think I\u2019ll give their phone number to that entrepreneur from Mars.
\nOr maybe to that eBay seller. She\u2019ll make them surrender.<\/p>\n
\nArtists and Illustrators is a monthly magazine published in Britain and sold in the UK and the US.
\nThere\u2019s a few pages on the film work in their June issue. (I can\u2019t for the life of me remember doing this interview, but I got a copy yesterday.)
\nAnd, you even get a FREE sample sheet of watercolour paper with the magazine, so you win whatever happens.
\nNo, let me do that again. BUY the magazine. It\u2019s an excellent magazine. Buy several. It\u2019s a GREAT interview. Send ME the watercolour paper.
\nA&I<\/a> also have a web site. (Tell\u2019em I sent you, maybe they\u2019ll send me some paper.)
\nTHE RETURN OF THE KING<\/p>\n