Getting to the U.S. was no trouble, the only letdown being that I did want to try the new biometric PortPASS portal, which in theory lets you skip the endless lines in L.A.X. and scoot through in no time. Much to my disappointment, there were no lines at all, and their Stargate-style portal was out of order. (I think U.S. Immigration is due to upgrade to Windows 3 sometime soon and the system was down.)
\nThe parties and all that were good fun. The view over L.A. from the top of the hills is very impressive, Sean Connery is charming but shorter than I\u2019d imagined, Omar Shariff is an exceedingly elegant gentleman, Steve Tyler is equally charming, Ted Turner is really quite tall, Geena Davis is even taller, Sala Baker and Laurence Makoare are absolutely huge (but happily very sweet) and Paris Hilton fell in the pool.
\nThe One.Ring party was brief; first I tried the main entrance but I got turned down (I\u2019d forgotten my I.D.) and told to go to a different entrance, where I almost didn\u2019t make it in past the heavy security (no I.D. again) but was – lucky for me – recognized by someone. (Alas, I forgot to ask for a goody bag. Damn.)<\/p>\n
But it was getting back home that was most eventful.
\nFirst of all, the girl at the check-in didn\u2019t want to let me get on my flight. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, sir, I don\u2019t see your Swiss visa.\u201d
\n\u201cUmmm, I like ummm\u2026 don\u2019t have one, I umm\u2026 live there.\u201d (My characteristically spontaneous eloquence once again asserting itself at that crucial juncture.)
\n\u201cCan I see your resident\u2019s permit sir?\u201d
\n\u201cI\u2019m sorry, I don\u2019t carry it abroad, it\u2019s not a travel document and Canadians don\u2019t need visas for Switzerland. Besides, I just came from there 3 days ago.\u201d
\n\u201cI\u2019m sorry sir, you can come from where you like, but you can\u2019t go to Zurich without a visa.\u201d
\nNotwithstanding my array of amusing foreign and helvetic documents –\u00a0 return ticket on Swiss (which stands for \u201cSo What It\u2019s Still Swissair\u201d, by the way), Swiss driver\u2019s licence, bank cards, insurance cards, my Co-op Supercard, all the flotsam of the modern wallet soon spread on the counter, the agent remained inflexible and assured me sternly I needed a visa and was not leaving the US without one.
\n\u201cBut my PortPASS card, can\u2019t you bring up my country of residence from your files?\u201d
\n\u201cI\u2019m sorry sir, I have no access to that information\u201d
\n\u201cBut I was in France a few days ago, I didn\u2019t need a visa to go back home.\u201d
\n\u201cThese things change all the time sir.\u201d
\nGoodness I thought, the Swiss government must have waited \u2018til my flight left Saturday and then secretly convened to change the legislation on a Sunday so I couldn\u2019t get back in Monday, which would be uncharacteristically swift legislating for a country that has been discussing pension reforms and women\u2019s rights non-stop for about 3 decades.)
\n\u201cAmericans don\u2019t need visas do they?\u201d
\n\u201cI\u2019m sorry sir, if you\u2019re not an American citizen, I can\u2019t divulge that information.\u201d
\n\u201cBut I\u2019m a Canadian\u201d I said, \u201ca simple citizen of that great dim forest-covered land to your north, a nation of peaceable residents all striving meekly to be mediocre and self-effacing in the light of that great land of liberty to their south that so benevolently provides such a welcome outlet for all that dirt-cheap surplus excess of oil and water and electricity that Canada knows not what to do with, a nation that has never done no wrong to nobody (we don\u2019t shoot each other very often, heck we don\u2019t even club baby seals any more)\u00a0 and why would the placid and pastoral Swiss, pragmatic and benign of nature themselves, require a visa of one such as my humble self? Besides, we supply them with all their foreign ice hockey players, surely asking us for visas would be singularly ungrateful.\u201d No I didn\u2019t say that, if fact I didn\u2019t even think that – it\u2019s what separates we mere mortals from such felicitous and jovial jesters as the Bill Brysons of this world. I was too flustered thinking whether or not I should pull out my library card and how I was going to convince this intractable and officially-bebadg\u00e8d woman to double-check her information if they haven\u2019t got that pesky Windows 3 installer up and running yet\u2026
\nFinally a superiorly badg\u00e8d agent was called in who nodded curtly to my now-badgered agent\u2019s queries and I checked in. (I should perhaps have bid my luggage farewell then as it headed bravely off down the belt, but how was I to know what lay in store\u2026)<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Once at the gate, the happy gregarious herd of passengers we were at that point boarded the plane, only to be disembarked a little less happy half an hour later. Apparently there was a dent in the plane that made it unsafe for takeoff. The battered model was taken away. (HOW do they get dents in planes is what I want to know; I mean, they don\u2019t exactly parallel park the things in supermarket lots. Or maybe other pilots dent planes with theirs and only PRETEND they\u2019re leaving a note tucked under the other guy\u2019s wipers.) A brand new one wheeled into place. On we got, seat-belt-fastened-and-seat-back-in-the-upright-position we got,\u00a0 and off we went, only to be told there was a generator problem (maybe it had a dent too) and that it would be quickly taken care of as soon as we turned around and got back to the terminal.
\nFinally, off we went once more, generator problem all but forgotten.\u00a0 A good stretch down the runway, just before the wheels left the tarmac,\u00a0 the pilot slammed on the brakes and aborted. Over the speakers came this timely announcement: We have a light on the instrument panel indicating a cargo door is open, and though we\u2019re pretty certain it\u2019s shut, we\u2019ll go back and have maintenance check it just to make sure. (This is where you wish you hadn\u2019t browsed that how-to-conquer-your-(totally irrational)-fear-of-flying article in the in-flight magazine.)
\nBack to terminal. Cargo door checked and secured, back out on runway, begin takeoff, slam on brakes midway down runway and back towards the terminal we go. Over the speakers: That darned light is still on, though this time we\u2019re sure the door is shut so it\u2019s most likely the monitoring system that is malfunctioning.
\nOh great. Now THAT\u2019S reassuring.
\nThis is where passengers started deciding they didn\u2019t need to get to New York in such a hurry after all and at they could surely catch another flight later.
\nGreat thought I, extra room maybe I can get three across. Then half the crew left. Hmm, maybe three across is not such a good idea after all. Why is the crew leaving, and more importantly, why are some staying? What do half of them know the others don\u2019t and vice-versa? After half an hour, most of a new crew had been assembled (\u201cJust one more crew member to find folks.\u201d How do they choose them, short straws?) when the pilot announced we would continue our game of musical planes.
\nThe third one finally took off, and arrived in New York, where I wasn\u2019t reprimanded for not having a visa for Switzerland (perhaps visa requirements for foreign countries are a state jurisdiction\u2026) and eventually found a flight for Paris (I didn\u2019t need a visa for France either). When finally I got to Zurich the customs officer didn\u2019t even OPEN my passport, obviously unaware of LAX Swiss visa requirements. I almost went back and asked him to look inside after all the trouble I\u2019d gone to, (I mean this New World Order stuff is NEVER going to work if nobody does their part) but on second thought reconsidered. (He might\u2019ve asked where my American visa was.)
\nOf course the luggage carousel coughed up a surpringly paltry yield, and a resigned crowd of us traipsed off to the lost baggage desk in search of our belongings.
\nIt was not so encouraging, (I mean HOW am I supposed to know WHICH of those three planes in L.A. I forgot my boarding pass on, we got on and off so many times, the seat number was memorised by the time we eventually left) but I certainly hope my suitcase does turn up.\u00a0 My latest sketchbook was rearly full\u2026<\/p>\n
Perhaps I should\u2019ve been more obsequious to that check-in girl. I bet she sent my luggage to Patagonia via Irkutsk and Adelaide\u2026<\/p>\n
That last work-ridden week I complained of suddenly seems full of fond memories\u2026
\nWHAT ELSE I DID THIS WEEK\u2026<\/p>\n
Surely I\u2019ve done enough after all that?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Or the Inherent Serendystopia of Modern Travel\u2026 Getting to the U.S. was no trouble, the only letdown being that I did want to try the new biometric PortPASS portal, which in theory lets you skip the endless lines in L.A.X. and scoot through in no time. Much to my disappointment, there were no lines at […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[10],"tags":[90,89,88,91],"class_list":["post-564","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-out_and_about","tag-america","tag-flight","tag-travel","tag-visa"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1PY8Y-96","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.john-howe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/564","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.john-howe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.john-howe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.john-howe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.john-howe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=564"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.john-howe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/564\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.john-howe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=564"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.john-howe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=564"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.john-howe.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=564"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}